I've been practicing mindfulness to a degree that I thought impossible. Each day when I wake up to administer the anti-emetic to my mother (now 4 mg Zofran and 2 mg Reglan), each dose must be given over the span of 3-4 minutes. During the initial shots I counted to 180 until my mind started to wander and I lost count. Before long, I realized that each shot was taking 5 minutes. So I began praying the Our Father and Hail Mary. As a Catholic who doesn't practice, I'm kind of like an Intramural team that shows up to play but doesn't really care who wins or loses. These two prayers are sort of embedded into my psyche I can recite them slowly without losing my place. Each of these prayers have a line in them that sort of kills me inside, which may be why I recite them. From the Our Father, "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" and from the Hail Mary "pray for us sinners, now at the hour of our death."
Every time I hold my mother's hand or stroke her hair, I think perhaps it may be the last time. When she first was afflicted with this disease, I would become frustrated when her nascent pain would make her grumble with displeasure at every simple gesture that one may provide in the hopes of alleviating her discomfort. Now when she scolds me for doing something improperly or half-assed, I smile and say that I will try harder. And over time, she too has softened.
I wonder whether I can try to be like this with others. I cannot conceive of how this may be possible...to act with such love and effort and consideration. It's ineffably tiring. I may post more on this later. I gotta run.
