My first day of work looked typical and usual. Coworkers greeted me enthusiastically, and they seemed genuine in their concern and happy for my return. It’s odd for me to think the last time that I was here was in November 2008. Even this morning as I dressed and readied for work, I was unsure of my movements. The series of actions were familiar, and I wasn’t sure whether I had left everything out. In some ways, it was as though I started my first day on the job, but I left on time, changed the station to the morning show that drowns my frustrations, merged into the right lanes, made the correct stops, arrived early, and sat at my desk.
Somehow the morning routine ended with me here, though my thoughts were ensconced firmly in what I had left behind in Los Angeles. In some ways I feel like an amnesiac who had arrived at an endpoint without being fully aware of what had transpired. But my greater fear is that I shall somehow lose the sense of longing and grow comfortable enough to be immersed in the minutiae of the day.
Which brings me to how I grieve and worry while I’m here, miles away from my family. I wonder whether some will be suspicious if I don’t break down in tears, unable to control my emotions. What is the expectation of my grief? How shall I justify my absence? After all, months spent away in the luxuries of Los Angeles; shouldn’t I show the situation was dire enough that I should pound my chest and expose my heart? Where’s the wailing? Where are the tears?
There shall be none. I am numb and fatigued. The marrow of whom and what I was has been drained. There is concern that I shall return to the essence of who I was before – he, who is adrift and buoyed by aimlessness. Perhaps I shall be better, but that is not my concern. The future remains grim, ever more so that I am so distantly removed.
I worry about my father especially when my aunt returns to Korea, and he is left to fend for his wife who is like a palimpsest. Every new day brings another woman who is part wraith, part vestige. My fear is that he will doubt his strength and his love and become terrified and fearful of the person that he is surely able to protect. My fear is that love is not so strong after all.
